You had your chance and you missed it...
...and now you're stuck.
DON'T WORRY
I'M HERE TOO
(right here with you)
p.85
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It was the only universe. There is no such thing. On-
ly these verses. Sing along.
CHAPTER 33 1/3: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO00000000000000
Well, it was bound to happen, I guess. To end up back
here, talking to you. How presumptuous of me to have written
these words to you before we even agreed on communicating
through this medium though. Sorry! Oh, I mean. Sorry. I'm
sorry. Anyways...
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...This is now a different page. Do you see how those
dots form the connective tissue between this page and the
previous page? Do you see how the pages progress in numeral
order? What does that even mean? (please show your work)
Hi there. I think we have some newcomers to this party, so
you longtime readers of this here book, please bare with me
as I say things that maybe are not designed for your parti-
cular reading devices. Anyway, my name is Apple Hippopota-
mus. I'm a hard-boiled egg of sorts. I solve mysteries. All
my life has been a transition and now here I am, spilling
all over the page like some rusty bicycle. [send tweet]
But seriously folks, such a journey or two I've been on
probably. And here we are in a new chapter (sorry, I speak
primarily in metaphor) not quite sure how we got here, but
definitely, definitely here (where we are). Anyway, some-
times these words will be true. Sometimes they will mean
something that they do not mean. This is impossible, yet
here we are nonetheless. Please forward this story in a
direction that you want it to go in. Thanks for your
input!
The spotlight moves over head as noooooooooooooooo...
p.87
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...ooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO0001010101010100100OOooooo. Oh,
shit. I think we've reached our destination.
"Hey there. Long time, no s--"
"Don't say it, Cousin."
Wait a second. There are cousins in this story? Did
anyone want to let the omniscient narrator know? Oh,
now I remember. This is the scene that takes place on
the outskirts of a forest. Oh sorry for interrupting.
"...We don't want to hear about some mind-blowing
stew, [insert name of Zorba Cathexis's cousin].
I'm sure Apple would much rather--"
Apple punched Zorba in the arm. [Zorba's Cousin] bit
her lip (her own lip; Zorba's Cousin's pronouns are she/
her) and sharply contained a smile that Apple caught
just little enough of to form the distinct belief that
[Zorba's Cousin] might be really really pleased
on like a gut level by the thought of doing sexual re-
lations with Apple while at the same time really having
no clue whatsoever as to what was actually going on.
That is, Apple still had no clue whatsoever what was go-
ing on at this point of the story. It is not as if she
had already solved all of the mysteries yet. No, she
was, truth be told, hot on the trail of a mystery at
that very moment. Well, at least she was until
they made that wrong turn at Albertquirky Junction and
started to wonder about where they might want to sleep.
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And while Apple would have liked to pursue this tangen-
tial rabbit down its favorite hole, she didn't quite
know enough of the specific intricacies of Zorba's rela-
tionship with his cousin to risk upsetting the mood of
this uncannily fortuitious meeting that certainly none
of them had planned for. Just then, Apple caught
just little enough of her peripheral vision to see a
sort of rippling at the edges of reality. She pocketed
that thought away and smiled at [Zorba's Cousin]. "Which
cousin did you say you were?" she asked. "I don't recall
meeting you, unless..."
"No, I grew up on an entirely different planet. From
this one," she added, pointing back at Zorba with her
thumb. "And I'm sure I would have remembered you."
"Well," said Apple. "I feel like I was pretty for-
getable for a while there. But anyway," Apple whistled
a little tune. "Can we make you lunch?"
"Hey! What do you think you're doing there!"
"Oh no, it's the forest gods," said Zorba's cousin.
We'll have to answer their riddles if we want to proceed."
[Zorba's Cousin] gave Apple an I think it'll be good and
wise to play along in this make-believe impromptu theater
production that oh god these sentences are too long! Edi-
tor! Um, [Zorba's Cousin] gave Apple an 'I think it'll be
good and wise to play along in this make-believe improm-
tu theater production that will maybe lead us towards
some joyous and just outcome or whatever' nod along with
a not-quite-a-smile smile that made Apple feel like it
p.89
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was the sort of smile that might make her feel courage-
ous even when she should by all means be terrified. Oh,
did we mention that Apple was sexually attracted to her
friend Zorba's cousin, and was pretty sure that Zorba's
cousin was flirting with her, but also was pretty sure
that the next few moments might decide their fate for
the next so, so many time units and just then Apple's
back began to hurt and then she found herself sitting
on the leaves, receiving a tutorial from some elder tree
about proper posture. Well, the tree was elder than her.
We know that much at least.
"Holy shit. Are you alright?"
Apple caught her bearing surprisingly fast. "Oh, yeah,
I think maybe a branch fell on me. Wicked witch is dead
I guess. Ha ha. Joke's on me." She smiled awkwardly. Ap-
ple waited a beat. "This seems like a good place for
lunch, eh?"
"How long you two been travelling?" [Zorba's Cousin]
asked them, mouth slightly open in respectful astonish-
ment.
And just then
p.90
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CHAPTER 34: JUST WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED
p.91
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p.92
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CHAPTER 35: WELL, HOW WAS IT? she asked.
They say that time is some thing. But little did they
know just how true that it was. Before I solved all of
the mysteries, I used to ponder things. Late at night.
Alone in the dark. Sipping from a glass of whatever li-
quid happened to be left in whatever bottle I was able
to procure from my surroundings. Late at night, I would
ponder. Mysteries. It's funny, they say. Knowing what I
know now, from this point of view which I guess is not
so different from yours, I chuckle. Sometimes. It's true.
Sometimes, I chuckle. Funny that. Knowing what I know
now, I now know that everything fits exactly into a part-
icular pattern. You might notice that it does not matter
what nonsense I try to throw on the page. Because of my
placement in time, I know for a fact that every-
thing I say has already come true.
"No! That's not correct. You ruined it!"
"Uhhhhhhh." A look of perpetual horror began to take
root upon Zorba's face.
"Do you feel that? Zorba?"
"Ouch! Why are you hitting me with that tiny hammer?"
he asked, all of a sudden aware of a thing that he prob-
ably should have been aware of more sooner.
"Just testing your reflexes, hun." replied Apple
after staring him back down into reality. Zorba stuck
out his tongue. Apple rolled her eyes. They both turned
p.93
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away and smiled to themselves.
p.94
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CHAPTER 36: AND IN ME, A GIANT NETWORK, CONNECTED TO ME
"No, that is too good. No one would ever be-
lieve that an actual person could produce such beauty."
"Yeah, but, I mean. Apple. I mean. But. It exists. How
could it. I mean."
"It's like reaching equilibrium with the machine. It
eats your soul. It devours all praxis. It's a dead end."
"Yeah, but."
"Sometimes, that's all you get. Anyway, it's not going
to make it into the official report."
"But Apple. This is the official report."
Apple stopped sewing the tear in her umbrella and looked
up into Zorba's eyes. There was some sort of lack, some
sort of yearning. Some intense desire to connect. "Who
do you think we're working for?" she asked her beauti-
ful friend, as all pretense dropped from their conversa-
tion. Just then, music could be heard in that zone just
askew of their diegesis, as if someone had commissioned
an impossibly poignant sountrack to accompany the narra-
tive. Which, you know, is clearly ridiculous, but what-
ever. It is what it is. You cannot expect me to alter
p.95
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the facts just to suit my audience's particular shit swal-
lowing capacity. What sort of mystery detective do you
take me for, anyway? HINT: This is where you say, an ex-
quisitely aged super fancy bad ass trans lady detective
with a slightly defective heart of rose gold.
p.96
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CHAPTER 37: BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME
Apple Hippopotamus awoke from her deep slumber, or
maybe snapped out of a four hour long movie watching
marathon, and found herself unmistakenly conscious, sit-
ting pretzel style on her living room floor. Not
again, she thought. Why do I always end up back
here? Her eyeballs scanned her oddly bright and co-
lorful rooms. PROCESSING. PROCESSING. You know,
she thought to her imaginary audience. a job is
fine, but it takes up too much of your time. Her
attention focused into that nook behind the bookshelf.
"Now where did that come from?" she wondered,
aloud. She hacked up a bit of phlem and reached for
her tobacco with one hand and her notebook with the
other. Voices were intruding into her windows. She
was clearly back in the thick of it, whatever it
was, which, well, we're still not sure, except for
that, you know, it sure was thick. Probably. But
enough about me...
Zorba Cathexis sat, deep in thought, staring at his
device. His digits flicked across his screen. He looked
up out of the corner of his eye, paused, and stretched
into the morning. Hmmm. Was this a potential encoun-
ter heading his way? he thought to himself as if
some professional voice actor was narrating his story.
Which, is clearly ridiculous, but we don't make
p. 97
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the rules, folks. Wait, what's this? Was Zorba about to
open his mouth and speak?
"So, what brings a pretty guy like you to a place
like this?"
The curly headed stranger gave Zorba a bit of the
old incredulous side-eye. Possible response matrices
scanned across his mechanism, however it appeared as if
Zorba's opening gambit had caused a slight glitch in
his system. "Well," he started, catching Zorba's eye,
"I suppose that's a bit of a tale. Shall I start at the
beginning?"
p. 98
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CHAPTER 38: THE BEGINNING BEGINS
Once upon a time, in an alternate universe juuust a
bit outside, lived a battle of good versus evil, which,
obvisouly, we won't bore you with, and not just because
you have probably stopped reading this story in earnest
moons ago, due to its inability to tell itself
straight. I mean, sure, this is all interesting in
theory, but sometimes you just want to get lost
in the, you know, whatever. Point is, we're not going
to bore some mystical tunnel through your very core,
because, frankly honey, there are some things you just
have to do for yourself. But I digress. Once upon a
time, there was a boy.
"No, you can't say that. It's just not true."
"Oh come on. You've a degree in Communication. You
know just as I that nothing we say is true."
She rolled her eyes at that. "You know my feelings
p.99
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on--"
He waved that thought away. "I know. My point is,
is, oh."
"Oh," she said.
They both turned towards the child. And received a
true lesson about the transmission of messages.
As the child grew, they became
"Gods! that feels good." Lettuce Bamboo pushed
through the stiffness that inhabited her upper ex-
tremities, as a wave of pleasurable ache shot up
through her heart and out through her head in all
directions. She was surrounded by humans. And a smat-
tering of friendly-acting machine elves and adorably
playful imaginary constructs. "Oh, hello there," she
said to one of the humans that caught her attention.
Across the room (they were in a room, apparently),
Lettuce Bamboo watched this human's face alter due
to the very recognizable process of all-of-a-sudden
feeling like someone might actually be responding to
the thought patterns bouncing through your head. The
human looked around briefly before their eyes settled
on Lettuce, who was looking right back at them. The
human's eyes widened and then a smile started to
emerge, and then they quickly turned away. Slowly,
p. 100
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shyly, they looked back again towards Lettuce, who
was now munching on some food substance she had picked
up off of a table (there were tables in the room).
p. 101
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